Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
