Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
