i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
