I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
