I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
