Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
