Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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