Screwed.edu
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
