So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
