Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
