so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
