I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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