I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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