My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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