So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
