if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
