i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
