If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am puke
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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