From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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