Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
