I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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