I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
