I wish my penis had an off switch
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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