Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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