All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
