You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
