I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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