I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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