Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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