I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I want to fling myself into the sun
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
