if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
