My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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