They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
