I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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