WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
