i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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