Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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