Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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