Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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