HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
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I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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