She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
