it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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