I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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