My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
