I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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