He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
