You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
