I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
