I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
