My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
