So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
