Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
