i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
