Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
