a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
